In Defense of Moderate Romantic Curiosity and Information Avoidance: A Conceptual Outlook of Balanced Curiosity

Abstract Curiosity, which is the human motive to seek information, is extremely valuable, since it enables people to widen their horizons and develop their capacities. However, there are many cases in which curiosity is harmful and not learning more information is preferable. In the romantic realm, this complexity is particularly relevant. Although knowledge is valuable in romantic relationships, there are circumstances in which ignorance and avoidance of information may be more beneficial. I suggest the restriction of central virtues of romantic love, such as curiosity and sensitivity, while giving some limited weight to oft-called vices in romantic relationships, such as ignorance and indifference. This suggestion has significant implications for the nature of romantic relationships, and in particular, for enhancing flexibility and diversity of such relationships, and the ongoing need to find an optimal balance.

Similarly, some popular songs indicate the close connection between knowledge and romantic quality.Take, for example, the lyrics, "The more I know you, the more I love you," and "To know you is to love you."A different view emphasizes the advantages of not knowing, celebrating the role of mystery in romantic love and particularly in casual sex. .
After discussing the value of knowledge in this introductory section, in the second section, I examine the nature of curiosity.Here, I focus on the issues regarding types of curiosity, curiosity and interest, information avoidance and cultural differences.The third section assesses romantic curiosity, concentrating on information avoidance in romantic relationships, curiosity and self-disclosure and the motivational aspect of romantic curiosity.The fourth section illustrates the above conceptual analysis by discussing two prevailing romantic phenomena: romantic window-shopping and curiosity over ex-lovers.The fifth and concluding section provides the upshot of the previous discussions by discussing the notion of "balanced curiosity" in romantic relationships.The various dichotomies associated with romantic curiosity boils down to the dichotomy between romantic sensitivity and indifference.

The Nature of Curiosity
In this section, I elucidate the nature of curiosity by indicating several types of curiosity and in particular, that between intrinsic and instrumental curiosity.I then examine the issue of curiosity and interest, that of information avoidance and cultural differences.

Types of Curiosity
Curiosity, which is the human motive to seek information (Tang, 2022), is regarded as essential in romantic relationships, and life in general.This, however, should not deny the existence of many circumstances in which learning new information is harmful, and ignorance is more valuable.Not revealing anything is problematic in romantic relationships, but sharing all details may be even worse.
Curiosity is most significant in helping individuals to adapt to changing environmental circumstances.Indeed, curiosity has been positively linked to cognitive development, learning motivation, attachment, identity formation, personal growth and perceptual learning and development, and was also found to have an important positive role in developing secure attachments throughout our lifespans and becoming psychologically healthy (Gross et al., 2020;Grossnickle, 2016;Reio et al., 2006;Silvia & Christensen, 2020;Voss & Keller, 1983).
Curiosity has been explained by using different distinctions expressing the multiplicity and complexity of curiosity.For example, epistemic and perceptual curiosities (Berlyne, 1954); cognitive curiosity, physical thrill seeking, and social thrill seeking (Reio et al., 2006); curiosity as a motive to reduce negative states, curiosity as a source of intrinsic motivation, and curiosity as a stable motivational difference (Silvia, 2019); curiosity and situational interest; and curiosity for what (forward curiosity) and curiosity for why (backward curiosity) (Shin & Kim, 2019).
I would like to further discuss the distinction between instrumental and intrinsic curiosity, which is highly relevant to the discussion of romantic curiosity.
Instrumental activities require a means to an external goal, since their value lies in achieving that goal.Goal-oriented activities are mainly assessed on the basis of efficiency, in other words, the ratio of benefits to costs.Thus, when engaging in instrumental activities, we try to save time, enhancing performance, and reducing costs.With intrinsically valuable activities, our interest is focused on the activity itself, not its external reward.Although such an activity may have external rewards, it is not performed in order to achieve them; rather, its value is in the activity itself.Reading a book, for example, can involve either an intrinsically or instrumental valuable curiosity, and sometimes both.We typically read books because we value doing so, but sometimes it can also involve instrumental curiosity, such as when we read it in order to pass an examination or earn more money.Similarly, online activities can be intrinsic, as in the case of surfing cyberspace for pleasure, or instrumental, as in the case of using search engines in order to find a sexual partner.In light of the abundance of romantic candidates in today's society, finding a partner has become, to a great extent, an instrumental activity.
Whereas instrumental curiosity is restricted to the given circumstances, intrinsic curiosity is broader with no immediate results, though it certainly contributes to our wellbeing and flourishing.In the words of the Roman poet, Ovid, "Nothing is more useful to mankind than those arts which have no utility."It seems that many of the benefits of curiosity involve intrinsic curiosity.

Curiosity and Interest
Curiosity and interest are both extremely valuable for human flourishing.However, their characterization is not straightforward.They seem to be related but there is no consensus among researchers whether the two are identical, completely different, or distinct, while sharing similar aspects.Donnellan et al. (2022) argue that non-experts and experts share some consensus on the distinction between curiosity and interest.In this consensus, curiosity is characterized as more active, the information is more pressing and it is specific and previously unknown information.In this view, interest is more pleasurable, in-depth and less momentary, seeking information in domains where people already have knowledge.This does not necessarily imply that curiosity must have an aversive component.There are similarities between the concepts, since they are both motivating and involve feelings of wanting that relate to knowledge acquisition (Donnellan et al., 2022).It was further found that while feelings of curiosity reflected feelings of inquisitiveness, frustration and confusion, the feelings of interest were aligned with positive effects such as enjoyment and happiness.Hence, curiosity and interest are distinct attitudes with unique aspects that share some overlap (Tang et al., 2022).
Reinhard Pekrun (2019) proposes to use the state-trait distinction to distinguish between momentary and enduring forms of both curiosity and interest.Momentary states of curiosity and interest occur in a specific situation at a specific point in time, and trait curiosity and interest represent enduring dispositions to experience these states.Pekrun characterizes trait curiosity as an individual's disposition to frequently experience states of curiosity across a broad range of situations, whereas trait interest (i.e., individual interest) is characterized as an individual's disposition to reengage with specific activities, objects or content.In these characterizations, the motivational aspect is more dominant when applied to interest, involving greater motivation to engage with specific activities (Pekrun, 2019; see also Shin & Kim, 2019).Indeed, the term "interest" also refers to something from which you can gain a personal advantage.
The state-trait distinction helps us understand the temporal aspect in curiosity and interest.When comparing the states of curiosity and interest, curiosity tends to be briefer since it often involves aversive experience that we would like avoid; interest involves a positive attitude that we would like to further develop.Peterson and Hidi (2019) claim that whereas theories of curiosity often focus on curiosity as a stable personality trait, or examine states of curiosity at a single moment in time, theoretical models of interest often emphasize the developmental progression of interest (Peterson & Hidi, 2019).Hence, it is hard to compare between the two concepts regarding their temporal aspect.
Applying the above considerations to the romantic realm is not obvious.Curiosity is most dominant when applied to romantic regrets ("the road not taken") though interest prevails more in casual sex.Thus, such romantic regrets are typically associated with negative feelings of inquisitiveness, frustration and confusion, while casual sex is usually associated with pleasantness and satisfaction (Ben-Ze' ev, 2023).In the temporal dimension, curiosity about the road not taken can endure for many years, almost becoming a personality trait, since it is a kind of "unfinished business" (Ben-Ze ' ev, 2019, p. 144-146).On the other hand, the great interest in specific casual sex may be a brief state.

Information Avoidance
"Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity." Charles McCabe Alongside the value of information in life, many people prefer to avoid important information (Meese, 2022;Sweeny et al., 2010).Sweeny et al. (2010, p. 341) define information avoidance as "any behavior designed to prevent or delay the acquisition of available but potentially unwanted information."They further explain that information avoidance can entail asking someone not to reveal information, leaving a situation to avoid learning information, or simply failing to take the necessary steps to reveal the content of information.In this sense, information avoidance can be active or passive, temporary or permanent.People may avoid information with the intention of learning the information later, or they may decide to avoid the information altogether (Sweeny et al., 2010).
Information avoidance seems to be part of a broader self-protective system, and people will substitute other mechanisms of self-protection for avoidance.This is even true concerning health information, which is critical for health promotion (Meese, 2022).Information avoidance is reasonable when one is so overwhelmed by the amount of information that they must make certain information a priority.The same weight cannot be given to all available information, since it will harm our values and interests.Moreover, positive illusions, which typically involve information avoidance, lead to several benefits.It has been argued that greater romantic satisfaction is associated with idealistic, rather than realistic, perceptions of one's partner (Gignac & Zajenkowski, 2019;Murray et al., 1996;Murray & Holmes, 1997;Song et al., 2018).Yow et al. (2022) indicate that about 70% of scientific articles dealing with curiosity were conducted in Western countries, while Asian countries only accounted for an estimated 22%.They indicate a few major differences that may affect the nature of curiosity: (1) Western countries are more individualistic and Asian countries are more collectivistic, and it is often the case that openness to experience is higher is Western cultures compared to Eastern cultures.(2) Power distance, which is defined as the extent to which the less powerful members of organizations and institutions accept that power is unevenly distributed, tends to be higher in Asian countries than in Western countries.(3) Varying degrees of uncertainty avoidance, e.g., high in eastern and central European countries, low in Chinese culture countries, lower still in English-speaking Western countries.Accordingly, it is plausible that people from different cultures also possess different levels of curiosity, especially over the stress tolerance facet (Yow et al., 2022).

Cultural Differences
These considerations, which are certainly adequate, do not dismiss the possibility of having some universal features of curiosity.Thus, Pekrun (2019), who admits such cultural diversity, suggests principles of relative universality that can predict the extent of possible difference in various personal and cultural factors.Indeed curiosity and interest can vary widely between individuals, genders, academic domains, age groups and cultures.However, their component structures and relations to origins and outcomes should be equivalent across persons and contexts (Pekrun, 2019).

Romantic Curiosity
"I never talk about ex-lovers unless the current lover asks… even then I say, ' Are you sure you want my past to be your present?'"A woman I turn now to implement the above discussion on curiosity to the romantic realm.I begin by discussing the nature of romantic information avoidance.Then, I examine the role of self-disclosure in romantic relationships, while arguing that although self-disclosure is most essential for the flourishing of romantic relationships, there are many cases in which total self-disclosure may be harmful and information avoidance is valuable.I then discuss the motivational aspect of romantic curiosity, which is subject to various degrees on the passive-active continuum.

Information Avoidance in Romantic Relationships
Curiosity is widely acknowledged as a potentially strong positive motivator of behavior (Silvia, 2019;Silvia & Christensen, 2020).It is typically highly appraised, since it opens new horizons and enables a better understanding of one's partner.Having more information does not directly lead to immoral behavior.However, the (often temporary) avoidance of information can serve to heighten pleasure, whereas gaining information prematurely can spoil it.In the romantic realm, people are inclined to avoid information that could be threatening to the self and the relationship.
People typically wish to know as much as possible about their beloved, since this gives a more comprehensive and profound picture of their partner, which enhances their intimacy.However, there are certain kinds of information that may harm romantic intimacy and mutual flourishing.Information about a partner's past lovers, for example, which is of some importance for understanding the partner's personality, may harbor unpleasantness for the couple.For many, a detailed description of a partner's previous sexual interactions can cast an unpleasant cloud over his or her own sexual relationship.Ignorance may also be preferable in cases of unfaithfulness.Some people feel that "if I don't know about it, it does not exist."Others certainly prefer to know about a partner's affairs, but may still not wish to know all the specifics.
In their study on avoiding information about one's romantic partner, Hussain et al. (2021) found that participants reported to most want to avoid information related to their partner's past and current sexual behaviors, including infidelity, as well as their partner's prejudices.People may also avoid information about their partner that evokes feelings of their wrong romantic choice.Thus, people are likely to avoid learning information that could elicit conflict within their relationship (e.g., learning whether their partner has fantasized about sex with someone else) rather than avoidance of more benign information that is unlikely to damage the relationship (e.g., learning their partner's favorite food).They further found that older adults display greater avoidance than younger ones (Hussain et al., 2021).

Curiosity and Self-Disclosure statement statement
This section discusses two major issues: the nature of romantic self-disclosure and reciprocal self-disclosure.

The Nature of Romantic Self-Disclosure statement
Self-disclosure, which is the process through which people reveal personal information about themselves to others, is important in all types and stages of social relationships.It is especially important in romantic relationships, whose essence is reciprocal interactions between partners (Sprecher et al., 2013a).Many studies suggest that disclosure and open communication is fundamental for intimate relationship success, for it enhances intimacy, trust, love, commitment and the overall quality of a relationship.Thus, it was further argued that self-disclosure of information reveals not only inner thoughts and feelings but also information about the relationship, including trust and love (Willems et al., 2020).It was additionally found that both male and female partners who reported self-disclosing more about their sexual likes and dislikes also reported greater sexual satisfaction (MacNeil & Byers, 2009).Nevertheless, people may wish to avoid discussing certain subjects with their romantic partners (Hussain et al., 2021).
Research has found that the activity in neural and cognitive mechanisms during self-disclosure is similar to the activity elicited by primary rewards such as food and sex (Tamir & Mitchell, 2012).Self-disclosure is key for the initiation and development of relationships, and is predictive of healthy relationship outcomes, such as closeness, satisfaction and trust.The decrease of and resistance toward self-disclosure plays a key role in the deterioration and ending of relationships (Willems et al., 2020;Zhou et al., 2023).
Given that self-disclosure is indeed indispensable in romantic relationships, should it be limitless?Moreover, what about when it comes to disclosing one's romantic and sexual history?These issues are multifaceted.
It is obvious that we should not tell our partners everything, especially not at the beginning of the relationship.Thus, one man said, "My ex would have a really bad habit of telling me about all the men she' d slept with-their penis sizes, intimate details like that, and it would really piss me off."Popular media provides plenty of advice in this regard.For example, the Sexpert Tracey Cox suggests eight things you should never tell your partner: How good your ex was in bed; how sexually good you were with other lovers; past behavior that doesn't reflect who you are now; giving exact numbers of sexual partners; favorably referencing the same ex more than once; playful boasting designed to make one's partner jealous; any reference to penis size; and claiming that "I've never had a problem having an orgasm before" (Mail Online, 14 October, 2015).These prohibitions try to avoid lethal comparison to the current partner.The list can be expanded to issues such as the wonderful vacation you spent in Italy; odd things that one's ex liked to do in bed, how you met your ex, good traits of the ex, how your girlfriends loved him, how the ex is similar and different from the current partner, the presents he bought you, how he broke your heart, and that you still have feelings toward him.If people still want to provide information about their sexual past, it is preferable to give vague and open-ended information.
The issue of self-disclosure becomes even more complex in our society, where romantic relationships fall less and less into fixed categories, and various versions, such as open marriages and polyamory, take the form of consensual nonmonogamy.In these cases, romantic self-disclosure does not concern past events, but ongoing current intimate activities, to which one's romantic partner is highly sensitive to (Ben-Ze ' ev, 2004: Ch. 5;2022).Despite these difficulties, romantic curiosity should not be ignored.In disclosing previous intimate details, self-disclosure enhances intimacy.Indeed, many counselors recommend disclosing your sexual past to your new partner enabling consequent benefits, such as enhancing mutual knowledge, strengthening trust and sincere communication, avoiding repetition of past mistakes, and reducing suspicion about your past.The value of self-disclosure is particularly evident when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases.One can try to change his or her partner (and self) by taking an interest in what the other enjoys.If you like, say, rap music, trying to help your partner appreciate such music would enhance the quality of your togetherness.Likewise, your partner's desire to share your interest will open up windows onto your world, thereby increasing mutual understanding and sharing.
Notwithstanding these genuine benefits, positive biases and illusions are valuable in making romantic relationships more satisfying and less distressing.Sustaining a sense of security often requires weaving an elaborate story that both embellishes a partner's virtues and minimizes their faults.Regardless, withholding information is not necessarily hiding it; it may be retaining one's deserved privacy.
Gender differences play an additional role.Generally, women are more vulnerable than men in intimate relationships and there is a stronger negative stigma toward women having sex with many men.Although gender differences are shrinking, a detailed sexual self-disclosure from women may be more harmful and likely to make their partners more jealous and insecure.One may argue that early self-disclosure can reveal the jealous and insecure nature of their partners.This is true, but such characteristics may be easier to detect in other circumstances, without the risk of hurting the partner.Another gender difference concerns the timing of sexual self-disclosure.Based upon her experience, one woman said that "most men are egocentric-they prefer to talk than to listen.Even on the first date, they brag about their sexual performances, thereby eliminating my wish to share about myself." Sexual self-disclosure enhances the toxic aspect of comparison.Thus, one woman said that "My second husband asked me whether my first husband's c*ck was bigger than his.I did not want to lie and said, 'Yes, very much so.'" After hearing her response, her second husband thought for many years that her first husband was better in bed as well-something that was untrue.This is an example of knowledge that destroys relationships, more so than ignorance.Hart et al. (2021) argue that many people avoid asking their partner sensitive questions that may hurt them and the relationship.They define sensitive questions as questions that are (1) about topics that are uncomfortable to discuss, (2) inappropriate for the social context, or (3) about information respondents would rather keep private.They argue that people avoid asking sensitive questions due to concerns about another's discomfort and about impression management.However, people significantly overestimate the interpersonal costs of asking sensitive questions.Accordingly, reticence to asking sensitive questions reflects conversational forecasting errors.Hart and colleagues conclude that both in prospect and in retrospect, people overestimate the discomfort and relational harm they may be caused by asking sensitive questions.As a result, many individuals limit their conversations to trivial topics and consequently miss valuable opportunities to gain information and potentially strengthen their relationships (Hart et al., 2021).
There is no golden rule determining when and to what extent to satisfy the curiosity of your current partner about past sexual partners-it depends on the nature and development of the bond.Generally, not revealing anything is problematic and sharing all details may be worse.Open and sincere discussions are significant, though the question of timing is crucial.Sharing details of your exes on a first date through tedious and meandering stories is unadvisable.A better way to satisfy the natural curiosity of the other is through ongoing interactions that reveal your authentic nature.
Unlike the prevailing view that encourages people to fulfill their partner's curiosity and share their deepest secrets, it often seems that escape can be valuable in coping with harsh reality.There is no sense in focusing on past events that cannot be changed and that increases negative rumination.Not discussing one's previous sexual behavior is avoidance of an emotional minefield.People should avoid revealing specific details that may have an enduring harmful impact.In any case, describing past experiences should not result in comparing or evaluating one's current partner, but rather create positive learning that enhances the existing relationship.This is possible if done with great moderation and sensitivity.

Reciprocal Self-Disclosure statement
A central feature of romantic curiosity is its close ties with reciprocal self-disclosure.Whereas in curiosity, the person seeks new information, in self-disclosure the person provides new information to another.Accordingly, we may speak about reciprocal self-disclosure, which research has found extremely beneficial.Thus, empirical findings suggests that across all types of close relationships, reciprocal self-disclosure is predictive of healthy relationship outcomes such as closeness, satisfaction, trust and happiness (Willems et al., 2020).
Susan Sprecher et al. (2013a) argue that such self-disclosure is most significant during initial romantic interactions between strangers because it likely determines whether two people will desire to interact again and develop a relationship.Reciprocal self-disclosure refers to the process by which one person's self-disclosure elicits another person's self-disclosure.However, disclosure may not always be equal and self-disclosure may be rewarding regardless of the degree of reciprocity (Sprecher et al., 2013a).Sprecher et al. (2013a) found that reciprocal self-disclosure leads to positive outcomes in initial interactions.Additionally, turn-taking of reciprocal self-disclosure is particularly beneficial.Long-turn taking disclosures lead to less liking than immediate turn-taking, whereas receiving disclosures leads to more liking than disclosing in imbalanced disclosures.They conclude that after the first interaction, participants who disclosed reciprocally reported greater liking, closeness, perceived similarity and enjoyment of the interaction than participants who disclosed non-reciprocally.Sprecher and colleagues believe that greater immediate reciprocity is associated with more liking, closeness and other positive affiliative interpersonal impressions than more extended reciprocity.One explanation that they suggest for their finding is that reciprocal self-esteem provides responsiveness from the other that involves affirmation, warmth and sensitivity (Sprecher et al., 2013a; see also Reis et al., 2004).
Another study of Sprecher et al. (2013b), found that the one who listens to another's disclosure may experience more liking (including enjoyment and closeness) than the one who discloses.However, once there is an opportunity to reciprocate self-disclosure, not only do these differences disappear but liking also further increases.They conclude that perhaps the more people know about another, the more they desire to be connected with them (Sprecher et al., 2013b).

The Motivational Aspect in Romantic Curiosity
Motivation exists on a spectrum: one may have almost zero motivation to actualize their romantic or sexual desire, or an extremely obsessive motivation for such actualization.A lesser motivation may be spoken of as passive curiosity, in which people leave the romantic door open to new options that might come along, without actively searching its realization.At the other end of the romantic curiosity continuum, highly motivated individuals may employ active curiosity, in which they vigorously seek to actualize their romantic desires.
The search underlying active romantic curiosity is often an expression of dissatisfaction with one's current situation.However, it seems that many people leave their hearts open, in the manner of passive romantic curiosity, even if their relationships are moderately satisfying-and this passive curiosity is an outcome of their desire to improve their own circumstances or to satisfy their natural curiosity for novel experiences.Although curiosity can be exercised merely for its own intrinsic value (to know more), romantic curiosity is typically associated with the practical attitude of experiencing love.Usually, people do not want to theoretically understand what love and sex are about; they want to experience them.
The issue of romantic curiosity has become more critical in contemporary society, which is populated with many open romantic doors, where countless available and clearly willing potential lovers are all around.This enhances romantic curiosity, which naturally wishes not to leave any possible romantic door unexplored.Our imagination plays a crucial role in our life (and love), and we have an innate curiosity to know and experience events beyond our present circumstances.However, opening every romantic door that beckons can have costly ramifications.Dan Ariely (2008) argues that we have an irrational tendency to keep options open for too long, and so end up chasing impractical options.A significant risk of such behavior is that some options disappear if we do not invest enough resources in keeping them alive.The price for keeping so many options alive can be higher than the possible gain that we might derive.
Leaving all romantic options open for our active or passive curiosity requires disregarding reality, which is full of limitations and boundaries and forces us to make choices that considerably restrict active curiosity.Romantic relationships require uniqueness in focus and investment; keeping all our romantic options alive can spread our required investment too thin.On the other hand, closing romantic doors is incompatible with the significant role that curiosity, as well as the desire for change and improvement, play in human life.
The need to make romantic compromise is greater when there are so many open doors, since exploring new romantic options may risk one's own romantic relationship.Nevertheless, making romantic compromises by increasing your commitment to a relationship has become ever more difficult, since it is so easy and tempting to enter all those other open doors.

Romantic Window-Shopping and Curiosity about Ex-Lovers
In order to illustrate the main claims concerning romantic curiosity, I turn to discuss two prevailing romantic phenomena: romantic window-shopping and curiosity about ex-lovers.

Romantic Window-Shopping
"You're window shopping, just window shopping; You're only looking around, You're not buying, You're just trying to find the best deal in town." Hank Williams Shopping is an extrinsic activity whose success is measured in its efficiency: paying as little as possible for superior merchandise.Window-shopping involves intrinsic curiosity and is an enjoyable, no-strings attached, relaxing experience.Like other intrinsic activities, it is not a stressful, hurried activity.When people enjoy the activity itself, there is no reason for them to want to terminate it quickly.
Passive romantic curiosity is similar to window-shopping, in that both are fueled by human curiosity with no concrete intention to act upon them.However, if you find something attractive, you might come back for it at a more convenient time.Romantic window-shopping involves browsing through people with no immediate intent to initiate a profound romantic relationship.Window-shopping in general, and romantic window-shopping in particular, are enjoyable in the short term but normally do not have a direct profound impact.However, given their intrinsic value, both types of window-shopping can also have accumulative value.In both of them, though people are only looking around to have a good time, they may also "find the best deal in town" (see also Heino et al., 2010).
Window-shopping, which is a superficial intrinsic activity, can improve your current mood, but it does not profoundly develop your essential capacities.The same is true of romantic window-shopping, such as flirting.Flirting is enjoyable, harmless playing and teasing; it involves the pleasant, magical charm associated with romance, but it lacks profundity.As is often the case, little things can contribute a lot to our sense of wellbeing.Superficial activities are not necessarily bad or worthless.We should not aim to be constantly immersed in profound activities; sometimes we need to enjoy the superficial ones.Superficial activities have short-term value when pursued in a moderate manner.It is mainly when we engage in them excessively that they become harmful (Ben-Ze' ev, 2019, 2023).

Curiosity over Ex-Lovers
Aside from increasing curiosity for new potential romantic partners, which is a major reason for the increasing rates of divorce and separation in modern society, there exists a greater curiosity about ex-lovers.People are curious about the whereabouts of their exes and how the old relationships compare to the ones they had after it.In some cases, this curiosity is also highly motivational, taking the form of intense desire to rekindle past loves.One major reason for the curiosity over ex-lovers is associated with two well-established psychological phenomena: (a) biased exposure to information in the sense that in the present we give more attention and importance to negative rather than positive information, and (b) biased memory in the sense that the negative information may have faded more quickly from memory, or has lost its emotional impact more quickly than the positive information.These phenomena can produce, for example, an illusion of moral decline, leading people all over the world to believe that people today are not as kind, nice, honest or good as there were once upon a time (Mastroianni & Gilbert, 2023).Since the future is people's main concern (Baumeister, 2023), the search for ex-lovers actually examines whether the nostalgic, positive past can be incorporated into people's future.
Indeed, many people have tried to satisfy this curiosity by locating their previous lover in the hope that they can rekindle some of their romantic sentiments.From a distance and with the passing of time, people may find new information about their ex-lover and themselves that can enhance their love for their ex-lovers, making the relationship seem better than it probably was.This provides people with the motivation and justification for their romantic search and their belief in its probability of success.Being familiar with the person for whom people are curious about gives the search greater legitimacy and provides them with a kind of cushion in the case of failure.Being older and having gained further romantic experience might change people's cognitive perspective and motivational attitude to the extent that their current relationship with a person from the past is more successful than before.Sometimes, the failure of the past relationship was due not to lack of love or incompatibility, but to difficult external circumstances that no longer exist, or new information that has recently emerged.
People find it easier to have a sexual relationship with their ex-lover, since there is a familiarity and shared history between them that facilitates such activity.In addition, given their previous sexual intimacy, people may perceive it as a more legitimate activity and less of a sin.In this sense, the motivational curiosity is rightly stronger and it consequently constitutes a greater threat for the current relationship.It seems that the easier it is to locate and communicate with ex-lovers, the greater the chance of rekindling and even enhancing a love that once existed.Indeed, research finds that about 45% of people have reunited with an ex to start a new relationship.It was also found that reignited relationships tend to suffer lower relationship quality and worse functioning than never-broken-off relationships (Dailey et al., 2009;Dailey & Powell, 2017).
It is important to realize that even if you have succeeded in tracing your ex-lover, you should think carefully before reengaging with this person, since it is often the case that lovers will be twice burned.

Balanced Curiosity in Romantic Relationships
This concluding section provides the upshot of the previous discussions by discussing the notion of "balanced curiosity."The various dichotomies associated with romantic curiosity are boiled down to the dichotomy between romantic sensitivity and indifference.

Romantic Sensitivity and Indifference
"The sensitivity of men to small matters, and their indifference to great ones, indicates a strange inversion." Blaise Pascal "Tolerance is another word for indifference." W. Somerset Maugham The significant extent of restricting curiosity and tolerating information avoidance has far-reaching implications that concern the role of sensitivity and indifference in romantic relationships.Unlimited curiosity in romantic relationships expresses unlimited sensitivity in them.However, do people really want such sensitivity?Furthermore, if people have found circumstances in romantic relationships where information avoidance is valuable, can they also praise limited indifference in such relationship?
Considered a glittering jewel in the romantic crown, sensitivity enjoys high regard in the romantic arena.Its opposite, indifference, is quite maligned in romantic relations.Sensitivity, which refers to being easily offended or excited, may be harmful as well, at least when being high.Elaine Aron argues that highly sensitive people pick up on subtleties, reflect deeply, and therefore are easily overwhelmed.So, when highly sensitive people are in love, they tend to demand more depth in order to be satisfied, and see more threatening consequences in their partners' flaws or behaviors.Highly sensitive people are more sensitive than others to both positive and negative environmental influences; thus, they are more prone to stress as well as to empathy (Aron, 2001).
There are many cases of excessive, harmful sensitivity, which refutes the popular view that greater sensitivity necessarily enhances the quality of a relationship.If people assign excessive importance to everything, being sensitive is destructive.If people treat a penny the same way they would a million dollars, sensitivity overloads them with irrelevant and even harmful "noise."Similarly, it is destructive to respond in an identical way to every one of the partner's misdeeds.
Unlike sensitivity, indifference, which is characterized by a lack of interest, concern and sympathy, seems to be the opposite of love, in which interest, concern, and sympathy are vital elements.When we are indifferent to people, we have no sensitivity and motivation to help or hinder them.Extreme indifference, like extreme sensitivity, is destructive-indifferent people are unresponsive to changes to their own circumstances, as well as those of others around them.
Two major types of romantic sensitivity are: (1) directed at one's partner, and (2) directed at other possible partners.I argue that sensible indifference is valuable in both cases.
Sensitivity toward one's partner is of great importance since it enables lovers to understand each other and to bring out the best in each other.However, we have seen that restricted curiosity, information avoidance and positive illusions concerning one's partner in romantic relationships, run counter to the aim of unrestricted sensitivity.Sometimes, it is indeed advantageous to somewhat disregard, or be indifferent toward our partner's flaws.Romantic relationships require some balance between sensitivity and indifference.
A common way of a sensible indifference is to assign different aspects a different level of importance.Thus, people can see their always-tardy partner as wonderful overall but still acknowledge the negativity of a specific quality, such as her lack of punctuality (Neff & Karney, 2005).While lovers cannot completely avoid information concerning the flaws of their partners, assigning minor importance for such flaws and acting accordingly is, to a great extent, in the hands of each lover.Doing this will be a great step in acquiring sensible indifference.
People cannot conduct their lives properly if they treat everything as equally important; they must have some order of priority.People must learn to be somewhat indifferent to some issues and sensitive to others; otherwise, their mental system will become overwhelmed.Love involves being sensitive to the beloved.Too much sensitivity, however, can ruin love; indiscriminate sensitivity, like indiscriminate curiosity and freedom, disrupts our order of priorities.Romantic sensitivity works best within limits.Just as you cannot love everyone, you cannot be sensitive in the same degree and manner to all your beloved's characteristics and behaviors.Romantic sensitivity should focus on the most meaningful and relevant aspects involved in romantic thriving.Without such focus and prioritization, sensitivity can become toxic (Ben-Ze' ev, 2019).
Sensible indifference is required not only in people's attitudes toward their romantic partners, but also toward other romantic options.The lack of such indifference can lead lovers into a constant search for a better romantic option, which in turn makes people dissatisfied with their own romantic lot.Human curiosity makes people sensitive to the existence of every open romantic door, tempting us to enter, so as not to miss any option.Trying to enjoy all options runs the risk of losing your current relationship.Indeed, research suggests that profound lovers do develop such restricted sensitivity.Thus, it was found that people in highly committed relationships tend to perceive attractive individuals as less appealing than those who are not committed, or are single (Fletcher et al., 2015).To defuse the threat of a romantic alternative, individuals in more committed relationships have developed a kind of indifference toward other potential partners by downplaying the attractiveness of these people.
Sensible indifference is far from apathy, which is a complete lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern, and not being willing to make any effort to change circumstances.Sensible indifference is still sensitivity, but one that is shaped by people's profound values, rather than heavily dependent on superficial external stimuli.In current society, people are flooded with intense exciting options, making the maintenance of long-term relationships difficult.A sensible degree of indifference toward one's partner's flaws and mistakes, as well as other alluring options, can go a long way toward sustaining these relationships.

Concluding Remarks
I have described the complexity of curiosity by suggesting various dichotomies relevant to the nature of optimal curiosity, which is a balanced one-for example, giving and receiving neither too much or too little information.Among such dichotomies are intrinsic vs instrumental, information avoidance vs pursued curiosity, self-disclosure vs concealment, active and passive motivation, and sensitivity vs indifference.It is typically the case that both aspects in each dichotomy should be present in balanced romantic relationships, though the extent of each aspect, which is sensitive to circumstantial and personal factors, is also significant.Let us consider some examples.
Balanced romantic curiosity typically has both intrinsic and instrumental aspects.Thus, the experience of romantic window-shopping may be enjoyable in itself but is also instrumental to finding a suitable mate.The extent of each kind of activity is significant as well.A complete or even large share of instrumental curiosity focusing, for instance, on the partner's wealth may indeed provide short-term admiration and satisfaction but it may fail to provide enduring satisfaction and flourishing, which relates more to intrinsic value.Curiosity should be closer to the intrinsic end of the scale.
A balanced curiosity in romantic relationships should not only pursue information about the partner, in the sense of "to know him is to love him," but additionally, be sensitive enough to avoid certain information that may hurt both partners.In profound flourishing romantic relationships, the balanced curiosity is typically closer to having complete information.
Self-disclosure is much more valuable than concealment in flourishing romantic relationships.However, it is obvious that in many circumstances, full information should not disclosed.This is more significant at the beginning of the relationship when the connection is not yet profound.
Flourishing romantic relationships involve both active and passive curiosity.Ideally, active curiosity should be directed at the partner and the passive one at other possible partners.This is not easy to do, since strangers offer more novel exciting information.
Curiosity expresses people sensitivity, which is indeed a virtue in romantic relationships.However, romantic sensitivity should involve a priority order in order to be meaningful and balanced.
To sum up, I have suggested the restriction of central virtues of romantic love, such as curiosity and sensitivity, while giving some limited weight to oft-called vices in romantic relationships, such as ignorance and indifference.This suggestion has significant implications for the nature of romantic relationships, and in particular, for enhancing flexibility and diversity of such relationships, and the ongoing need to find an optimal balance.This is particularly true given the restless nature of our romantic environment, which is populated with an abundance of romantic options.
It is not easy to determine which romantic doors to leave open and which ones to close; each has its own cost and benefits.In the long term, you might regret closing doors, but in the short term, you might risk losing what you already have.Unlike many other realms, in the romantic realm we cannot let our curiosity roam, unleashed.

Disclosure statement
No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).