Women and Men in Love: Who Really Feels It and Says It First?

All procedures were approved by the local Institutional Review Board. A 28-item internet-based instrument was created to assess similarities and differences between men's and women's attitudes, expectations, and experiences with respect to love and relationships. As researchers have reported that first- and second-year college students have an expected high incidence of falling in love (Aron, Paris, & Aron, 19952. Aron , A. , Paris , M. and Aron , E. 1995. Falling in love: Prospective studies of self-concept change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69: 1102–1112.

View all references), the choice of a college sample was appropriate for the purposes of this study. We attempted to obtain a diverse sample by recruiting participants from the subject pool of a mid-sized university and by recruiting volunteer respondents from a large community college in a major metropolitan city in the northeastern United States. Of the 188 participants who responded to the questionnaire, 10 did not indicate their sex and were excluded from analysis. Although of interest, the sample of homosexual and bisexual respondents was not large enough for analysis, and therefore the data from seven individuals (6 men and 1 woman) who reported preferring to date and have sex with men and women equally, mostly the same sex, or only the same sex were excluded from the analysis to control for error variance. The resulting sample of 171 heterosexual individuals consisted of 72 men and 99 women with a mean age of 20.28 (SD = 5.25). Ethnicities reported were: 77.1% White, 13.0 % Asian, 5.3% Black, 3.5% Hispanic, and 1.1% Other.

Analyses revealed that 61 men (84.72%) and 88 (90.90%) women reported they had been involved in a committed, romantic relationship at some point in their lives, with no sex difference, χ ² (1, N = 171) = 1.54, p > .214, N.S. Additionally, 27 men (38.02%) and 56 women (56.57%) reported that they were currently involved in a committed, romantic relationship and this sex difference was significant, χ ² (1, N = 170) = 5.69, p < .017. Of people who were currently in relationships, most men (91.30%) and women (98.21%) reported being “in love” with their partner, with no sex difference in frequency, χ ² (1, N = 76) = 2.13, p > .144.

As this study was interested in relationship dynamics, only responses from those with previous relationship experience were included in subsequent analyses. Participants were asked, “In your most recent romantic relationship, how long did it take you to realize you were in love?” Answer choices were: 1 = “I am not in love,” 2 = “Immediately,” 3 = “A few days,” 4 = “A few weeks,” 5 = “A few months,” 6 = “A year,” and 7 = “More than a year.” Men (M = 4.47, SD = 1.23) reported falling in love more quickly than women (M = 5.01, SD = .99) reported falling in love, t(127) = 2.74, p < .007, d = .48. In addition, in response to the question, “In your most recent committed, romantic relationship, who said ‘I love you’ FIRST?” only 12.10% reported that neither partner did. Among those for whom this was expressed, there was a relationship to sex, with 64% of men compared to 18.51% of women reporting they said “I love you” to their partners first, χ ² (1, N = 131) = 27.80, p < .000.

Participants were also asked, “Who falls in love first in a relationship, a man or a woman?” Interestingly, 87.78% of participants believed that a woman falls in love first in a relationship, χ ² (1, N = 131) = 74.82, p < .000, and this response was unrelated to sex, χ ² (1, N = 131) = .939, p > .332. Participants were further asked, “Do you think a man or a woman is more likely to say ‘I love you’ first in a relationship?” Results showed that 75.20% of participants believed that a woman is more likely to express this sentiment first, χ ² (1, N = 125) = 31.75, p < .000, and there was no relationship to sex, χ ² (1, N = 125) = 2.04, p > .153.

Participants were asked, “About how far into a relationship would you be able to tell you were in love?” and “About how far into a relationship would you be able to tell your partner was in love?” Answer choices were presented on a Likert-type scale: 1 = “Immediately”; 2 = “A few days”; 3 = “A few weeks”; 4 = “A few months”; 5 = “A year”; and 6 = “More than a year.” Women anticipated knowing they were in love with a partner (M = 4.00, SD = .67) later than men anticipated knowing they were in love (M = 3.62, SD = 1.14), t(148) = 2.54, p < .012, d = .41, and women anticipated being able to tell their partner was in love with them later (M = 4.09, SD = .80) than men anticipated being able to tell (M = 3.70, SD = .99), t(147) = 2.63, p < .009, d = .43. However, both sexes reported anticipating they would know they were in love with a partner the same time they knew their partners were in love with them [women: t(87) = 1.82, p = .072; men: t(60) = .820, p = .416]. Participants were also asked, “How far into a committed, romantic relationship would you want to have sex with a partner?” The same scale reported above was used for responses. Women reported a desire to wait longer to have sex (M = 3.83, SD = 1.14) than men reported (M = 3.42, SD = 1.18), t(147) = 2.15, p < .034, d = .35 Additional analyses showed that men's responses indicated that they anticipated wanting to have sex at the same time they would know they were in love, t(59) = 1.01, p < .318, and that their partners were in love, t(59) = 1.61, p < .112. Women's responses indicated they also anticipated wanting to have sex at the same time they would know they were in love, t(87) = 1.39, p < .167, and their responses indicated they would want to have sex before knowing their partners were in love, t(86) = 2.19, p < .031, but a Bonferroni correction to alpha for multiple comparisons renders this result non-significant.

Participants were then presented with a series of statements about love, dating, romance, sex, and physical attraction, and were asked to report on a scale the degree to which they agreed with each statement, with again, 1 = “Totally disagree”; 2 = “Slightly disagree”; 3 = “Neither agree not disagree”; 4 = “Slightly agree”; and 5 = “Totally agree.” When employing a Bonferroni correction to alpha for multiple comparisons, there were no sex differences in responses to any questions about love and romance. Results are presented in Table 1.

TABLE 1. Men's and Women's Responses to Items About Love and Romance

In our contemporary college sample, nearly 9 out of 10 people who have had relationship experience expressed that it is likely a woman who will fall in love first in a relationship. Further, 7 out of 10 people believed that a woman will say, “I love you” first. However, our data showed that men reported falling in love sooner and that three times as many men as women said, “I love you” first to their partners. These results show no change from those in older studies (e.g., Dion & Dion, 197314. Dion , K. and Dion , K. 1973. Correlates of romantic love. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 41(1): 51–56.

View all references) in that men report falling in love and saying it first. This suggests that women tend to be more pragmatic about love than society tends to believe, i.e., not rushing fool heartedly into a relationship. The emergence of the locution “I love you” in relationship vocabulary is important, as emotional narration can offer a window into the speaker's affective state (Barbara, 20084. Barbara , G. 2008. Gender differences in verbal expression of love schema. Sex Roles, 58: 814–821.

View all references). It can be argued that men's falling in love and exclaiming this love first may be explained as a byproduct of men equating love with sexual desire, as evidence suggests that men are more interested in sex than are women (see Buss, 200610. Buss , D. 2006. “The evolution of love”. In The new psychology of love, Edited by: Sternberg , R. and Weis , K. 65–86. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

View all references). However, researchers have proposed that passionate love and sexual desire are distinctly different mechanisms (see Reis & Aron, 200831. Reis , H. and Aron , A. 2008. Love: What is it, why does it matter, and how does it operate?. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(1): 80–86.

View all references), and our data showed that men and women showed equivocal agreement that they become increasingly physically attracted to someone with whom they are in love, indicating an understanding of the difference. Again, evidence does suggest that people in North American culture (from which our sample was obtained) can relate to what it means to fall in love (Aron et al., 20081. Aron , A. , Fisher , H. , Strong , G. , Acevedo , B. , Riela , S. and Tsapelas , I. 2008. “Falling in love”. In Handbook of relationship initiation, Edited by: Sprecher , S. , Wenzel , A. and Harvey , J. 315–336. New York, NY: Psychology Press.

View all references).

Our results indicated that when asked to speculate, women reported anticipating they would know they were in love with a partner in about a few months and that they would also know the feeling was mutual within a few months. This was significantly later than the timeline indicated by men who reported anticipating knowing they were in love and knowing their partner's mutual feelings in about a few weeks to a few months. These findings are novel and provide support that women do not rush into a romance before men do. Additionally, neither sex indicated an expected temporal difference between realizing one's own and one's partner's feelings. This further indicates that women are not hopeless romantics engulfed in unrequited or unsure love any more or less than are men.

Most men and women in our study reported being involved in a committed relationship before, and almost all who were in romantic relationships at the time of participation reported being in love with their partners. As in previous research, men's reports of when they fell in love with their partners indicated that they did so sooner than women's reports indicated they did. However, unlike previous studies, our data highlighted a timeline, whereby men reported falling in love with their most recent, committed partner in about a few weeks to a few months, and women reported falling in love in about a few months. These findings corroborate our data, as mentioned above, that show men are more likely than women to say, “I love you” first to their partners.

Not surprisingly, women in our study reported a preference to engage in first sex later in new relationship (a few months into it) than men's reported preference (a few weeks to a few months into it), but both sexes reported a desire to have sex at the same time they were certain of their own and their partner's feelings. This suggests that women, relative to men, are making more careful assessments of their partners before committing sexually and emotionally to a relationship.

Interestingly, other than the above, our data indicated no significant differences between the sexes, revealing that women's general viewpoints (including cynical beliefs, e.g., “Love is a waste of time”) about love, dating, and romance, are not different than those of men. These data reveal a trend for women which apparently goes against the popular belief that women are more romantic and idealistic about love than are men. There were no sex differences in agreement to statements such as, “Love at first sight exists,” “My being in love is important to me,” “Physical attraction fades over time,” “Being in love fades over time,” and “I am a fool for love.” These data show that women are not greater fools for love than are men as is the common societal stereotype, and are not, as Heiss (200521. Heiss , J. 2005. Gender and romantic love roles. Sociological Quarterly, 32: 575–591.

View all references) reported, “handicapped in the competition” (p. 575). In fact, these data arguably show that both sexes are equally as pragmatic and as foolish about love.

It is curious why the belief that women are fools for love persists, as the notion that women should logically and realistically view love and commitment follows evolutionary theory that women need to be discriminative in their mate choices due to their relatively limited reproductive capabilities (Symons, 197936. Symons , D. 1979. The evolution of human sexuality, New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

View all references). That is, it is reproductively advantageous for a woman to be tentative and not simply jump into a sexual or romantic relationship until she is sure of her partner's intent to commit, as this would have assured resources and protection in the ancestral environment which was likely not very female-friendly.

Still, alternative explanations may exist for such beliefs and therefore our findings. Who says what to whom and at what time in a relationship may simply be learned from others as appropriate or inappropriate. Personal perceptions and cognitions of sex roles likely lead men and women to behave in love relationships as they feel they are expected to behave. For example, it may be part of a man's gender schema (Bem, 19816. Bem , S. 1981. Gender schema theory: A cognitive account of sex typing. Psychological Review, 88: 354–364.

View all references) to be the one to facilitate the solidification of a relationship by stating “I love you” first. Likewise, it may be enmeshed in a woman's gender schema to wait for the man in a relationship to make such a move first. Societal expectations may dictate and place pressure upon men and women to act accordingly as well, likely beginning very early in life, and messages on how men and women “typically” behave as their respective genders are presented though the family, school, friends, and media (for discussion, see Mascionis, 200427. Macionis , J. 2004. Society: The basics, 7th, Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education.

View all references, p. 250). As beliefs can be culturally transmitted, however, they can create selection pressures for behavioral adaptations (Confer et al., 201013. Confer , J. , Easton , J. , Fleischman , D. , Goetz , C. , Lewis , D. , Perilloux , C. and Buss , D. 2010. Evolutionary psychology: Controversies, questions, prospects, and limitations. American Psychologist, 65: 110–126. doi:doi: 10.1037/a0018413

View all references). With respect to interpreting the findings of the present study through an evolutionary framework, perhaps it is men who expressed love to their partners first that left more descendants than men who did not, and likewise, perhaps it is women who waited for men to make the first more left more descendants. It seems plausible that both evolutionary and cultural theory can come into play when interpreting the results presented herein.

There are admitted limitations to the present study. First, participants' responses, as is the case with any self-report research, may reflect inaccuracies due to social desirability, difficulties with estimates, and problems with retrospective judgments (Hyde & DeLamater, 200924. Hyde , J. and Delamater , J. 2009. Understanding human sexuality, 10th, New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

View all references). Future studies might involve longitudinal assessments of individuals who have recently become romantically involved, recording progression of love experiences and expressions. For example, a diary study would allow fairly accurate determination of the time frame and expression of love feelings. In addition, the love and romance experiences of college men and women from the northeastern United States may not represent the psychology of men and women in all cultures. As such, additional research may wish to replicate these findings in other countries.

In conclusion, our data show that women tend to be more cautious about love and the expression thereof than what is commonly believed. Perhaps women are perceived as less rational about love compared to men because women have a greater capacity for processing emotional experiences (Collignon et al., 201012. Collignon , O. , Girard , S. , Gosselin , F. , Saint-Amour , D. , Lepore , F. and Lassonde , M. 2010. Women process multisensory emotion expressions more efficiently than men. Neuropsychologia, 48: 220–2140.

View all references) and have a more emotionally expressive nature than do men (Rubin, 197032. Rubin , Z. 1970. Measurement of romantic love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 16: 265–273.

View all references; Hess, Adams, & Kleck, 200723. Hess , U. , Adams , R. and Kleck , R. 2007. “When two do the same it might not mean the same: The perception of emotional expressions shown by men and women”. In Group dynamics and emotional expression: Studies in emotion and social interaction, 2nd series, Edited by: Hess , U. and Phillipot , P. 33–50. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.

View all references; Barbara, 20084. Barbara , G. 2008. Gender differences in verbal expression of love schema. Sex Roles, 58: 814–821.

View all references). If this is the case, then the stereotype of women as hopeless romantics compared to men will likely persist even in the face of scientific evidence to the contrary.